I have been, for a few years now, asking God to make my faith in Him our relationship and not something that I adopted from my parents. He has made some small opportunities for this to happen and I have grown a lot in who I am; however, this year has changed me and it all started with deciding what college to attend.
I wanted to go to a nice privet christian college where I would be challenged in my faith and question things I would only question when pushed. This is what would solidify my relationship with God. But this was not God's plan. I wanted to take the safe option, little did I know God was about to put me through spiritual bootcamp. What I had been asking for, my own relationship with Him, I was about to get.
I have had plans about the day I turned 18- I would be responsible in finance, in character, and in morals. I would be independent- go off to college and support myself as best I could. I would be a leader- an example of how a christian girl should act. Just before I turned 18, God called me out of a band where I had spent a few years serving and building relationships. The day I turned 18 I lost my job (I have monthly bills). I was jobless without a position in the band I loved and I had to go to school twice a week with people who looked down on freeloaders and time wasters. Talk about a humbling experience. Everything I thought 18 could possess was gone. At 18, I was not looking forward to leaving my family in my dust as I chased wild dreams. I was not looking forward to late nights out and sleeping in on Sunday mornings. I wanted to show that 18 is a number and not a label.
So for five months, I attended school with people I admired but thinking I was unequal to them because of my lack of financial independace. I had applied at a few businesses and harassed them to no end, but I said it was not the right time and God wanted me to focus on school and enjoy it. So I tried. I told myself that I had a hard load (which was actually a nice amount for an 18 year old to handle) and I just needed to focus on school and I would get a job in the summer. Meanwhile, I was dealing with hatred toward the people who let me go. It is a long story and the details are unnecessary, but know that this was a tough time and I had to try to put on a good act until I released those feelings to God. Still, somedays I caught myself in a depressed state because of what had happened.
I graduated and summer came. Money is running low. I job searched and I job searched. I just knew I was going to get a job. I saw friends on Facebook doing it, surely at the countless places I applied for someone would hire me for a summer. I finally applied to one place that said they would call me for an interview AND the job would transfer to where I was going to school. I was so elated I could not stop smiling; I almost broke out in to tears in the store. A week later I called because I had not heard about an interview....finally two weeks later I get a call to set-up an interview. A week after that an interview. About three weeks after that I called and they said they wanted someone with more experience. Money is running even lower. With a little over a month to go back to college there is no point in trying to find a job.
During this time, I only spent money on gas and bills. No fast food and no entertainment. It about drove my brother nuts. We had planned on going on a trip to Orlando, FL just him and I this summer. It would be our last hoorah together. Once I went out with some friends to a fast food restaurant and sat while they ate. It was hard but this is where I will start telling you why God let all of this happen.
1)God has been teaching me how important and simple it is to rely on God. Going to school was tough somedays with what I viewed as successful people around me. However, through my circumstance I was able to be more aware of the people around me. My life was not a fairytale so God showed me other people I could help out. I was also able to show that though I am a christian that does not mean I get a free pass to a perfect life, but I have the opportunity to smile and have joy in my pain and suffering.
2)All the jobs that God kept from me, I have not found the complete reason yet, but I know that since my money kept getting lower and lower all I had to rely on to supply my needs was God. The past few months I have looked at God and told Him I had no money to pay my bills and that I did not want to be in debt to my parents. I was listening to a speaker at my church one day he said "Those who don't work don't eat." That day I about cried. I told God I would do anything to stay above the water, but I wanted to work for the money. Let me tell you, I got babysitting jobs, dog sitting jobs, and mowing jobs. I have not missed a car payment and I have been able to supply gas for my car.
3)I have gotten so use to relying on God one month a friend of mine had been having a bad week, I got ten bucks that week and treated him to a smoothie. Most people would tell me I could not afford that and last year I would have told you that too. But I finally realized God gave me the money to bless others, and with the opportunities I am given I will use what I have to give to others.
4)The one of the last things I learned, which is especially good for me to learn the summer before I go off on my own, is at the restaurant. Everyone is eating around me while I sit and chat with them. This, though such a simple thing, is hard to practice. Just because everyone around me is doing something does not mean I have too. Sounds silly when you apply it to food, but when you apply it to partying or drinking or smoking or whatever bad thing you can think of. If I can not do something that I am so use to doing when it hurts my pride with my friends around, I can diss others by not doing the stupid things they do when I am around them. Incredibly simple, but hard to practice.
I have no idea what I am up against this next year and years to come. I do not know if I will get on campus and find a job. If I will flunk all my classes and work at Walmart for the rest of my life. I just hope that what I have learned this past year sticks with me, because trust me it is a hard lesson to learn. I have never learned to be so dependent on God and happy in the circumstances I have been put in. I hope that if life ever does get "good" again (and I've been told it will, but I'm starting to doubt it will ever be easy again) I remember this time and the difficulties I faced. I have watched my parents go through tough times like these and I have watched some friends at church go through this tough time too, but at a more escalated level and I have to say they showed great integrity. It is not as easy as they made it look.
When He chose me to be a Christian, He gave me supernatural powers to be more than average. Just to name a few but not limited to (you need to read the entire Bible to learn how to use all of your supernatural powers) wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miraculous powers, prophecy, distinguishing between spirits, speaking in different languages (1 Corinthians 12). They may not be intimidating at first, but if you read the stories of effective use of these powers you will understand the threat level you bring towards the armies of Satan.
